Alexander’s parents have been together for 28 years and they raised him in a Christian home. He knew about the faith but had never been truly devoted to it. His girlfriend, Adrienne, is a conservative young woman that had a similar background and holds Christian values very close to her heart. Alexander turns 26 soon and hopes to finish his PhD next year. Although he sees marriage in his future and thinks Adrienne might be the one for him, he enjoys being single. He’s been in a relationship with Adrienne the last two years, but last year he met Trisha. She was a guest of someone that was invited to Adrienne’s birthday party, and once she and Alexander locked eyes, he couldn’t get her out of his mind.
Trisha pursued him. She got Alexander’s number from a mutual friend and called him the same week they met. Marriage was nowhere on her radar, and she made it very clear to him that her interest was fun and physical. Alexander was a bit mystified. He had never experienced the strong attraction that he and Trisha shared, but he also knew she was not someone he would ever introduce to his parents. He felt guilty for sleeping with Trisha behind Adrienne’s back, but he didn’t want to lose either of them. He and Trisha had a lot of fun together, he said. She made him feel alive and free, but Adrienne reminded him of what his parents had, and one day he knew he wanted that for himself.
Adrienne wanted to be married and never kept that a secret from Alexander. She was becoming impatient, and Alexander’s guilt made him evasive and strange at times. She began to suspect that he was seeing someone else, but rather than dealing with the truth of the situation, she went the route of giving Alexander an ultimatum. Either they get engaged with a wedding soon after his graduation, or the relationship is over. He vehemently denied her accusations of being unfaithful and begged her to wait until after he’d finished his degree to get engaged, but she wouldn’t agree to it. He left her apartment feeling confused and resentful, and she was heartbroken, but committed to stand by her ultimatum.
Adrienne felt that she was doing what was best for her, and Alexander felt unfairly pressured. Although he appreciated his parent’s commitment to their faith, he didn’t hold himself accountable to God’s standards. He wasn’t ready to give up Trish and was making room in his mind to somehow appease Adrienne but continue his infidelity. Adrienne believed that somehow her love would change him, and that marriage would make their issues disappear.
Giving an ultimatum is telling someone that your patience is running out. You’re letting the man know that you’ve dated long enough, and you are ready to take the next step to get married. Sometimes, the man will comply with this pressure, and sometimes he won’t, but either way, we need to allow for the possibility that in the long run, it may do more harm than good. He may develop resentment that will later show up in ways that are counterproductive to the marital union.
The wisdom of Proverbs 19:21(NLT) affirms, “You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” Making plans is what humans do. God created us to be thinking, intelligent beings that are made in His image. He has a master plan for the entire universe, and He also has a plan for each of our individual lives. There is no doubt that He wants us to develop and have plans for things, but our plan is supposed to fit into His plan. In Psalm 37:23, He informs us that the steps of a righteous person are ordered by Him, and He delights in every detail of their lives. When we follow God’s plan, He is delighted, and He wants to be involved in all the decisions and choices we make. But when we step outside His plan, we end up with less than optimal results because we are not walking by faith.
In a relationship, giving an ultimatum is taking matters into your own hands. Many women have looked at it as a faith move, but faith can only partner with truth, and the truth is that “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”(1Corinthians 13:4-5 NLT) God doesn’t want any of His daughters or sons being pressured or feeling like they have to pressure someone to value their worth. We are worthy not because of anything we have done. We are worthy because God says we are. He valued us as such treasures that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to be nailed to the cross and crucified for our sins. He loves us so much, and He doesn’t want us mistreated in any way. He wants what is best for us, and He knows exactly what that is.
We should never want to get ahead of God in any respect. He wants to be involved in every detail of our existences. He wants to be invited to guide us into making the right decisions and choices, and it is never a good idea to force a fit. Is giving an ultimatum a good way to begin a marriage and does it provide a strong building block to begin a solid marital foundation? We have to really think about it. Proverbs 18:22(NKJV) declares, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.” A good wife is a good thing. If it’s your aim to be one, God declares that you are worthy of being appreciated and you shouldn’t have to convince someone to see this with an ultimatum. ■
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“Will an Ultimatum Fix It?”, written for Crazynlove.com ©2021. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!